When I decided to paint up my SS Panzergrenadiers as the 2. SS-Panzergrenadier Division (Das Reich) I did a little research. I put together a painting guide for my own use, if you would like to see it, look here:

http://www.stugiii.com/Das%20Reich%20Uniform%20Guide.pdf

Tim, they call him

Plastic or Lead?

Sold on Plastic?

My first wargame figures were plastic... Airfix Romans & Britons. I didn't play wargames then, I just pushed them towards each other and imagined the noise, slaughter and victory (the Romans always won in the end). I am sure my experience is pretty typical. Even now almost forty years later the Airfix figures aren't too bad.

Their shine was tarnished a bit when I painted them. It didn't take much for the soft plastic figures to flex and the paint to flake off.

In the late seventies, I found lead mini's (Minifigs, Ral Partha, Custom Cast, etc). They painted up well (no flexing) and were durable. Over the years lead, then alloy (white metal/pewter) figures became the wargamming standard. With the advent of Citadel, Reaper & Wargames Foundry the sculpting became dynamic and dramatic. Still called "lead" by the players, these metal mini's have been the standard of the miniature wargamer for decades.

Last May, while I was attending Gamex in Los Angeles, I came across some plastic historicals. Perry Brothers and Warlord Games had come out with hard plastic American Civil War and Imperial Roman Legions respectively.

I bought a few boxes of the Romans and was impressed with the detail. Most people will tell you that you can get better detail with metal then you can with plastic. Frankly, I don't see it... plastic is easier to work with (conversions) and plastic resists bending better, allowing such things as rifles and spears to be cast with more realistic proportions. All that aside,the most impressive thing is the price. Foundry Romans are are almost $3 a figure. Warlord Games' plastic Romans are approx $1 each. I Currently have over 250 Foundry Roman legionaries & auxilia...do the math, its no contest.

If that weren't enough...Citadel (Games Workshop) has been releasing new plastic mini's for their new lines. I bought some of the new Dark Elf, Cold One Knights. Incredible miniatures, great detail and again low price - roughly $4 for each Cold One & rider; the metal version is going for almost $20. So I am sold on plastic. I hope more manufacturers and ranges spring up. The downside is that plastic is a petroleum product... and we all know what has been happening with the price of oil.

Wargames Factory is coming out with 28mm Caesarian Roman legionaries (my favorite). I can't wait to see them!

He's not my kid. He's not even my dog...

"He's not my kid. He's not even my dog. If I had a dog, and my dog had a kid, and that kid had a pet that would be Sid.”

Oh My God! I forgot about mini-sloths!
Ok...this is a long standing fantasy of mine...to cast up some mini-sloths and create a HOTT army.

To that end I have created an army list...

Mini-Sloths
Stronghold: volcano hideaway
Horde General (Sid the Megatherium (Sloth)) @ 1AP 1
God (Fire-King Idol) @ 4AP 1
Artillery (Big rock slingshot) @ 3AP 1
Flyer (mini-sloth in hang glider) @ 2AP 1
Shooters (mini-sloths with rocks & sticks) @ 2AP 2
Lurkers (mini-sloths with lassoes) @ 1AP 3
Hordes (mini-sloth warriors) @ 1AP 7

Alternatives
Hero @ 4AP (Diego the Smilodon), Cleric @ 3AP (Clea – Chief Sloth), Behemoths @ 4AP (Manny or Ellie the Woolly Mammoths), Sneaker s@ 3AP (Crash and Eddie Opossum Brothers), or treat mini-sloth warriors as a warband; Ellie as a sneaker

Sid: [tied up] “This is either really good or really bad. [Sid looks down to see lava pit underneath him] No, no, no. Me fire-king. Why kill fire-king? A thousand years bad juju for killing fire-king! “

Chief Sloth: “Superheated rock from the earth's core is surging into the crust, melting ice built up over thousands of years”.

Sid: “You are a very advanced race. Together we can look for a solution.”

Chief Sloth: “We have one. Sacrifice the fire-king. “

Sid: “That's not very advanced. “

Chief Sloth: “Worth a shot. “

Spinning Wheels

The wheel of life/fate is capricious at best and does not consult those it affects; and like justice is often blind…

Home is where you hang your hat... Someone famous said that

For over half of my life my home has been in Van Nuys California (the “Valley”). The Valley has much to recommend it and much to not. Like most things in life it is about compromises. As an example it gets hotter than the hinges on the door to hell in August; at the same time everything is air conditioned (note the “hinges” beat my a/c every time!).

Before I make it sound too bad, it was the only place I could afford a house in the LA area in 1985. The joys of house ownership have faded over the years. I originally cut the grass with an old hand powered reel mower. It really was a joy to be able to cut my own (read: the bank’s) grass. In a few years that gave way to a power mower; benign neglect and the current solution, gardeners.

I have a lot of memories in that house; some good; some bad; and some very, very private moments (and no I don’t mean anything bizarre and sexual! …mostly).

During my occupancy of my valley house I:

• Aged from mid twenties to late forties;
• Watched the 73 seconds of the STS-51-L Challenger mission (the only shuttle launch I have ever seen);
• Learned to play WRG 7^th, Warhammer Fantasy Battle and Warhammer 40K (the last two a few times;
• Went from being a board gamer to a miniatures gamer;
• Witnessed the riots of ’92 (Rodney King);
• Had my two children (ok, initially I had help with that one);
• Received my Bachelor’s degree;
• Survived the Northridge earthquake;
• Spent few days trying not to exsanguinate;
• Got divorced, married, and divorced;
• Let a good woman get away;
• Learned to fire a 10lb Parrott rifle (read “cannon” - I miss that!)
• Gave my father’s eulogy;
• Watched my son enter my old Junior High School and my daughter my old High School (yes I am aware it is called “Middle School” now. I also still say B.C. and A.D. so sue me)
  
  

During that time I was employed as:

• Assistant Director of Threat Assessment and Management for a public figure protection firm (my favorite job title of all time!);

• Operations Manager for an alarm company;
• Central Station Manager for the same alarm company (same company different owners)
• Partner (chief cook and bottle washer) in an alarm company (some company, me and Jim owned it);
• Student & Father
• Radio Field Tech
• Service Manager for a radio repair/sales store
• Operations Manager for a radio repair shop (it burned down, I had nothing to do with it)
• And computer geek for my current employer.

I grew from immaturity to maturity (yeah, yeah, laugh it up!);

I am going to miss a lot of things about living here, both current things and memories…

And so, the wheel turns…

Tim, they call him...

How to Confuse your Warhammer Fantasy Battle Opponent

101 Ways to confuse your Warhammer Fantasy Battle opponent

1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.

2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.

3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).

4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.

5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.

6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- “he’s gone there, so contigency plan 8a means that I should…”

7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.

8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.

9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent’s army.

10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.

11. Bring a plastic kid’s sword and ‘challenge’ your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.

12. Play dead if your general dies.

13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of lascannon in WHFB.

14. Complain that you don’t think you can trust your hero.

15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.

16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn’t kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.

17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the “fog of war”.

18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.

19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a “battle report.”

20. Sharpen your goblins’ spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.

21. Cackle diabolically. “The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!”

22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.

23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. “Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well.”

24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.

25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!

26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.

27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!

28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your
treeman. Refuse to let him move through woods.

29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy van.

30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.

31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. “Quick march, on the double- hut!”

32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.

33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the “Lord of the Galaxy”. Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.

34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.

35. Bring a Communist flag threaten them with collectivization, ‘Discipline’ your troops if they fail to salute you, send them to the gulag.

36. Cheer on your miniatures.

37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.

38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.

39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.

40. Keep a deck of M:tG cards handy. When you are told it is “the magic phase” bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.

41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!

42. Tell him you’ve brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.

43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don’t immediately come true. Ask him if he’s used it.

44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.

45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.

46. Don’t place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, “poof!”. When the smoke dissipates, say, “Tadaa!”

47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.

48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent’s army. Complain that it is cheesy.

49. Come with an army painted completely neon purple. Wear dark glasses.

50. Attempt to bribe your opponent’s characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

51. Ask if he has a license to drive that steam tank.

52. Make your opponent take a stupidity test. Refuse to let him do anything if he fails it.

53. Stare deep into his eyes. Use hypnosis to convince him he is a chicken. You may revert him back to normal at the end of the game.

54. Paint all your miniatures naked. Complain about their dirty habits.

55. At the start of the game, flash a fake FBI card. Demand to see his army list.

56. Bring a water pistol. Squirt him in the back every time he turns away. Claim it was raining.

57. Dress up in a suit. Bring a pointer and a big map. Give a weather report before the game. Predict sunny weather. Surreptiously pour a bucket of water on the table when he’s not looking. If he asks for an explanation, explain that “nobody’s perfect”.

58. Toss a bucket of water over his undead. Look worried when nothing especially unexpected happens
. Mutter about the declining standards of holy water. Try garlic. If that doesn’t work, throw on a wooden steak.

59. Bring a fire danger chart. Set it to “extreme”. Wear a “Smokey the bear” cap. Refuse to let him use fiery convocation. Pour a bucket of water on the board if he does.

60. Pour a bucket of water on the table. Look down on your miniatures and yell, “sink or swim, you lazy *&^%”.

61. Pour a bucket of the water. Claim it was necessary in terraforming the planet.

62. Bring a whiteboard and a texta. Give all your miniatures a briefing before the game. Get them all in a circle and yell out repeatedly “psyche! psyche! psyche!”.

63. Bring cheerleader models. Place on the side of the table. Bring a tape of chants- 5,6,7,8 who do we
appreciate?

64. Plunk a computer on the table. Explain that your mate “Deep Blue” is standing in for you.

65. Roll out a wooden Trojan horse, but nothing else. Wait expectantly.

66. Dedicate the game to your “beloved late last opponent.” Sharpen your teeth. Grin.

67. Ask your opponent for a building permit before he places any huts.

68. Wear a sponsorship shirt- “Ashur Inc”. If possible, be part of a team.

69. Apologize, but explain that your troops are on strike. Refuse to play unless he pays for their pay rise.

70. Explain that all your miniatures have a 1+ save, as they are made of “white metal”.

71. Charge him a parking ticket for his chariot.

72. Paint all your miniatures in football uniforms. Bring a little football. When you see all his miniatures with weapons, ask “Isn’t this the Campbell memorial football stadium?”.

73. Come into the room screaming “they’re alive! they’re alive!” with goblin spearmen rammed into your skin all along your arms.

74. Make him draw a pentagram, chant and sprinkle incense before you let him place his Greater Daemon.

75. Look at his goblins for a long time. Make allusions to the fact that they all look exactly the same. Warn about inbreeding and Mormonism.

76. Bring a little whistle. When he kills one of your miniatures, blow it and gesture your way. Explain that he was “off-side”.

77. When he fires a cannonball, ask him if he will let you make a 4+ “catch and throw back” roll.

78. Slap him with a public indecency suit when he places his witch elves on the board.

79. Offer him some “squig beer”. Make sure that it is green.

80. Speak in rhyming couplets. “Oh it shall be as thus/you save on a 4 plus”

81. If asked to guess a range, guess in nanometers. Measure it out on your specially designed tape.

82. When you activate the Black Gem of Gnar, start singing, “This is the challenge that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends…” Stop and look surprised when the effects wear off.

83. Bring an apprentice model for one of your characters. When he attacks, exclaim, “No, no, no, not like that! Repeat after me: I will not swing my sword in anything less than a 45 degree arc, I will not swing my sword…”

84. Ask where it says you can’t use your orbital phaser cannon. Repeat in turn for: gargant, selective volcano, life-sized cannon, mad attack kitten, doom-diver carrying a neutron bomb, rat-sac, etc.

85. Put a little conductor figure out the front of your deployment zone, complete with music stand and tails. Tap your range ruler on the edge of the board… “1,2,1,2,3,4″. Quickly switch on a tape of the Philadelphia harmonic choir as you gesture wildly with your range ruler. After four seconds, have the tape click and end. Drop the ruler and look embarrassed.

86. As soon as he kills one of your models, put on a police cap and switch on a police siren. Stroll up to your opponent. Fake a yorkshire accent. “Allo, allo, allo, what do we have here then?” Pick up his general. “He’s the brains of the operation, is he then?” Turn to the original model. Pick him up and read him his rights. Arrest his army for grievous bodily harm.

87. Ask his wardancers where they got the kinky gear. Wink seductively.

88. Hide under the table. Use -ventriloqui- -Ventriloquiy- throwing your voice to project your voice onto your general model.

89. Calculate the angles of elevation given the wind resistance, escape velocity and the aerodynamics of the projectile before firing his cannon.

90. Give the post-modernist influences on your painting style. Critique his.

91. Put little red curtains along your deployment zone boundaries. Begin, “May I present…” and pull them back dramatically. Reveal an empty stage. Look around nervously and repeat your line a little louder. Close the curtains again. Repeat.

92. Trip his giant.

93. Run an electric current through your fence.

94. Bring a 600 page bound book with big letters on the front “FAQ”. Lay it on the ground facing England and worship it. Prop up a little framed picture of Tuomas Pirinen next to it. Demand your opponent join you in a prayer small prayer session to Him.

95. Demand he right the gender and racial inequalities in his army.

96. Stand on the board. If he says anything, explain that your army has transcended this world and has risen to the spiritual plane. Explain that you are their physical medium and must fight on their behalf. Look down at his army and laugh.

97. Write a ballad about the battle.

98. When the game is in full swing, get a friend to bring over a UFO model. Have it hover over the board. Abduct his army. When it is all over, deny everything. Make sure your watch has ‘lost’ six minutes.

99. Bring a little coffee mug in the shape of the cauldron of blood.

100. Bring a real elastic band for your doom diver. Why stop at throwing miniatures?

101. Read the above out before the game.

Another Night to Remember...

RMS Lusitania met a disastrous end as a casualty of WWI when she was torpedoed by a German submarine on May 7, 1915. Many American passengers were on board and the great ship sank in just 18 minutes, eight miles (15 km) off of the coast of Ireland, killing 1,198 of the 1,959 people aboard.

That picture above is my friend Hugh. That object behind him is one of the propellers recovered from the Lusitania.

It gives me an interesting feeling to be able to touch history like that...

Tim, they call him

"And you shall have my tanks... Your welcome"

For some reason I have this desire to work on my 15mm tanks...And while I can't imagine where that inspiration comes from, I will give into it...

I have wanted to do my own "How to..." guide for a while...perhaps this is the time.

I have been working on my StuG site (www.stugiii.com) for the past few days...again...I seem to have this inspiration coming from somewhere...

Tim, they call him...

Tanks are Mighty Fine Things...

I have returned from the Littlefield Armor Museum. Physically that is...My mind is still there. We drive up to the place and our guide takes us into the work room. The first thing is the place is massive but looks like any car restorer's garage...lots of boxes with hand written labels (German Rifle Clips, Browning MG, that kind of thing).

Immediately to the front is a Sherman Jumbo being put back together. He takes us to the next bay...there is a disassembled Panther, ausf A. He drags over a ladder and asks if we want a look from up top. So here we are standing on the rear deck of a Panther...about eight or nine feet in the air...I am struck by how big this thing is...behind us is the turret on a stand...waiting for its gun. The 12 cylinder engine is being worked...soon to be installed in the back of this monster. Looking carefully into the hull, I can see the brand new double torsion bars crossing the bottom of the hull. The tank is painted a nice yellow with red brown and olive green patches over the zimmerit.

You can read all the books you want...but until you actually see one of these you have no clue as to its size. At least I didn't.

That was how the day started...

There would be a Lee and a Grant...a couple of Stuarts, a Panzer IV a plethora of AT guns, even a Japanese field piece. A German armored car, a bunch of prime movers...and as you can see by the picture above an 88mm FlaK gun.

I need to get to sleep now...I have a ton of pictures and some incredible memories....

For more on the things I saw at the Littlefield museum, look here:

http://www.stugiii.com/littlefieldpanther.html.

http://www.stugiii.com/alkettchassis92475.html.


Tim, they call him...

Edit (23 Mar 08) - The green/black thing to my right is a training turret for an M1 Abrahms. The thing behind me is an SdKfz 8 12 ton prime mover.

March 20, 2008

Jacques Littlefield, President and Founder of the Military Vehicle Technology Foundation, owns a 460 acre ranch in the Portola Valley of California. He has an impressive collection of running tanks and other military vehicles.

Here is the inventory list:

MVTF Inventory.

Pretty impressive to be sure. The museum is not open to the public, but private tours are given. The great news is...I am going there. It's a long story but thanks to Janice and Hugh (the dancing Punjabi) I have managed to weasel my way into a private tour of the place. Lots and lots of pictures will be taken. The bad news is Mr. Littlefield is in poor health and the future of the museum is uncertain, so this may be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I will let ya' ll know about it when I get back!

Tim, they call him, doing his happy dance...

103 Rules For Being An Evil Overlord

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end.

I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
time.

Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
   
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
   
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
   
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
   
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
   
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
   
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
   
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
   
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
   
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
    
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
    
12. One of my advisers will be an average nine-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
    
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
    
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
    
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 131 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
    
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
    
17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
    
19. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, knights in plate armor, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
    
20. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
    
21. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
    
22. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
    
23. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
    
24. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
    
25. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
26. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
    
    I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
    
27. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
    
28. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
    
29. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
    
30. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
    
31. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
    
32. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
    
33. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
    
34. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
    
35. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
    
36. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
    
37. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
    
38. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
    
39. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
    
40. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
    
41. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
    
42. If an adviser says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the adviser.
    
43. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
    
44. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
    
45. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
    
46. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
    
47. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
    
48. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
    
49. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
    
50. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
    
51. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
    
52. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
    
53. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
    
54. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
    
55. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
    
56. My nine-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
57. If my advisers ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
    
58. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
    
59. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
    
60. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
    
61. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
    
62. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
    
63. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
    
64. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
    
65. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
    
66. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
    
67. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
    
68. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
    
69. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.
    
70. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my nine-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
    
71. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
    
72. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
    
73. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
    
74. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
    
75. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
    
76. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
    
77. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
    
78. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
    
79. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
    
80. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
    
81. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
    
82. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
    
83. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
    
84. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
    
85. After I captures the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
    
86. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
    
87. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
88. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
    
89. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
    
90. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
    
91. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
    
92. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
    
93. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
    
94. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
    
95. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
    
96. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
    
97. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
    
98. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
    
99. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
    
100. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
     
101. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
     
102. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
103. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

January 14, 2008

Hmmmm

Two months since I have posted an entry...

Well there are a couple of excuses...reasons for this...maybe more than a couple

In no particular order...

Work
You know...I have always liked my job; I am good at it which helps, but the benefits are good the hours very flexible and they don't work me too hard, except when they do. Through no fault of my own I got caught in a political issue at work with someone waaaaaaay up the food chain from me. If you are going to do this...keep it on or close to your level. When you get involved with someone an order of magnitude or two above you, being right doesn't matter. I have spent the past two months under the Sword of Damocles. As time passes it appears the danger isn't so imminent and I can breath easier.


StuGIII.com
My hobby website; all about German WWII assault guns, assault artillery and tank destroyers. A labor of love to be certain. It is full of the kind of information that I would be looking for. I have spent a lot of time on it in December. I hate it when I go to a site and find it incomplete and no has updated it in years... So I try to do something each month.

Kids
My children, I love them to death... but it is a lot of work to make sure they have the things they need, to try to remember my algebra so I can help/check their homework (although I find the history assignments I can really help with). One thing I have noticed is their homework is much harder than the homework I had at their age (not that I did mine). I suspect that this has to do with the internet...with all that information at their fingertips, the questions need to be harder...

My Hobbies
Oh look a bunny... That would be funnier if it weren't so true. I have a great example; in 2004-05 GW came out with a new codex for Tyranids in 40K. I love Tyranids... I had a well painted army I was happy with. The new codex was really complicated...so many options...too many choices...and some of the new changes invalidated a large part of my army. So...I sold it; lock, stock and codex.

No more Bugs for me! I tossed the Hive Mind out of my 40K world.

From time to time I would visit Warpshadow.com and read the articles. In late fall last year, something in my tiny brain clicked on (the Hive Mind?). I kept thinking about how much I liked 'nids.

Without turning this into a Mitchner novel, I now own approx 2750 pts of new 'nids; Go figure?

I have also been tinkering with WWI air rules. I may run a demo game at Orccon in Feburary, then again maybe not.

I think I am done for now...

Be sure to tune in next week, same 'nid channel, same 'nid time...