101 Ways to confuse your Warhammer Fantasy Battle opponent
1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- “he’s gone there, so contigency plan 8a means that I should…”
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent’s army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid’s sword and ‘challenge’ your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of lascannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don’t think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn’t kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the “fog of war”.
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a “battle report.”
20. Sharpen your goblins’ spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. “The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!”
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. “Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well.”
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your
treeman. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. “Quick march, on the double- hut!”
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the “Lord of the Galaxy”. Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Bring a Communist flag threaten them with collectivization, ‘Discipline’ your troops if they fail to salute you, send them to the gulag.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of M:tG cards handy. When you are told it is “the magic phase” bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you’ve brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don’t immediately come true. Ask him if he’s used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don’t place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, “poof!”. When the smoke dissipates, say, “Tadaa!”
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent’s army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely neon purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent’s characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.
51. Ask if he has a license to drive that steam tank.
52. Make your opponent take a stupidity test. Refuse to let him do anything if he fails it.
53. Stare deep into his eyes. Use hypnosis to convince him he is a chicken. You may revert him back to normal at the end of the game.
54. Paint all your miniatures naked. Complain about their dirty habits.
55. At the start of the game, flash a fake FBI card. Demand to see his army list.
56. Bring a water pistol. Squirt him in the back every time he turns away. Claim it was raining.
57. Dress up in a suit. Bring a pointer and a big map. Give a weather report before the game. Predict sunny weather. Surreptiously pour a bucket of water on the table when he’s not looking. If he asks for an explanation, explain that “nobody’s perfect”.
58. Toss a bucket of water over his undead. Look worried when nothing especially unexpected happens
. Mutter about the declining standards of holy water. Try garlic. If that doesn’t work, throw on a wooden steak.
59. Bring a fire danger chart. Set it to “extreme”. Wear a “Smokey the bear” cap. Refuse to let him use fiery convocation. Pour a bucket of water on the board if he does.
60. Pour a bucket of water on the table. Look down on your miniatures and yell, “sink or swim, you lazy *&^%”.
61. Pour a bucket of the water. Claim it was necessary in terraforming the planet.
62. Bring a whiteboard and a texta. Give all your miniatures a briefing before the game. Get them all in a circle and yell out repeatedly “psyche! psyche! psyche!”.
63. Bring cheerleader models. Place on the side of the table. Bring a tape of chants- 5,6,7,8 who do we
appreciate?
64. Plunk a computer on the table. Explain that your mate “Deep Blue” is standing in for you.
65. Roll out a wooden Trojan horse, but nothing else. Wait expectantly.
66. Dedicate the game to your “beloved late last opponent.” Sharpen your teeth. Grin.
67. Ask your opponent for a building permit before he places any huts.
68. Wear a sponsorship shirt- “Ashur Inc”. If possible, be part of a team.
69. Apologize, but explain that your troops are on strike. Refuse to play unless he pays for their pay rise.
70. Explain that all your miniatures have a 1+ save, as they are made of “white metal”.
71. Charge him a parking ticket for his chariot.
72. Paint all your miniatures in football uniforms. Bring a little football. When you see all his miniatures with weapons, ask “Isn’t this the Campbell memorial football stadium?”.
73. Come into the room screaming “they’re alive! they’re alive!” with goblin spearmen rammed into your skin all along your arms.
74. Make him draw a pentagram, chant and sprinkle incense before you let him place his Greater Daemon.
75. Look at his goblins for a long time. Make allusions to the fact that they all look exactly the same. Warn about inbreeding and Mormonism.
76. Bring a little whistle. When he kills one of your miniatures, blow it and gesture your way. Explain that he was “off-side”.
77. When he fires a cannonball, ask him if he will let you make a 4+ “catch and throw back” roll.
78. Slap him with a public indecency suit when he places his witch elves on the board.
79. Offer him some “squig beer”. Make sure that it is green.
80. Speak in rhyming couplets. “Oh it shall be as thus/you save on a 4 plus”
81. If asked to guess a range, guess in nanometers. Measure it out on your specially designed tape.
82. When you activate the Black Gem of Gnar, start singing, “This is the challenge that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends…” Stop and look surprised when the effects wear off.
83. Bring an apprentice model for one of your characters. When he attacks, exclaim, “No, no, no, not like that! Repeat after me: I will not swing my sword in anything less than a 45 degree arc, I will not swing my sword…”
84. Ask where it says you can’t use your orbital phaser cannon. Repeat in turn for: gargant, selective volcano, life-sized cannon, mad attack kitten, doom-diver carrying a neutron bomb, rat-sac, etc.
85. Put a little conductor figure out the front of your deployment zone, complete with music stand and tails. Tap your range ruler on the edge of the board… “1,2,1,2,3,4″. Quickly switch on a tape of the Philadelphia harmonic choir as you gesture wildly with your range ruler. After four seconds, have the tape click and end. Drop the ruler and look embarrassed.
86. As soon as he kills one of your models, put on a police cap and switch on a police siren. Stroll up to your opponent. Fake a yorkshire accent. “Allo, allo, allo, what do we have here then?” Pick up his general. “He’s the brains of the operation, is he then?” Turn to the original model. Pick him up and read him his rights. Arrest his army for grievous bodily harm.
87. Ask his wardancers where they got the kinky gear. Wink seductively.
88. Hide under the table. Use -ventriloqui- -Ventriloquiy- throwing your voice to project your voice onto your general model.
89. Calculate the angles of elevation given the wind resistance, escape velocity and the aerodynamics of the projectile before firing his cannon.
90. Give the post-modernist influences on your painting style. Critique his.
91. Put little red curtains along your deployment zone boundaries. Begin, “May I present…” and pull them back dramatically. Reveal an empty stage. Look around nervously and repeat your line a little louder. Close the curtains again. Repeat.
92. Trip his giant.
93. Run an electric current through your fence.
94. Bring a 600 page bound book with big letters on the front “FAQ”. Lay it on the ground facing England and worship it. Prop up a little framed picture of Tuomas Pirinen next to it. Demand your opponent join you in a prayer small prayer session to Him.
95. Demand he right the gender and racial inequalities in his army.
96. Stand on the board. If he says anything, explain that your army has transcended this world and has risen to the spiritual plane. Explain that you are their physical medium and must fight on their behalf. Look down at his army and laugh.
97. Write a ballad about the battle.
98. When the game is in full swing, get a friend to bring over a UFO model. Have it hover over the board. Abduct his army. When it is all over, deny everything. Make sure your watch has ‘lost’ six minutes.
99. Bring a little coffee mug in the shape of the cauldron of blood.
100. Bring a real elastic band for your doom diver. Why stop at throwing miniatures?
101. Read the above out before the game.
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