When I decided to paint up my SS Panzergrenadiers as the 2. SS-Panzergrenadier Division (Das Reich) I did a little research. I put together a painting guide for my own use, if you would like to see it, look here:

http://www.stugiii.com/Das%20Reich%20Uniform%20Guide.pdf

Tim, they call him

Plastic or Lead?

Sold on Plastic?

My first wargame figures were plastic... Airfix Romans & Britons. I didn't play wargames then, I just pushed them towards each other and imagined the noise, slaughter and victory (the Romans always won in the end). I am sure my experience is pretty typical. Even now almost forty years later the Airfix figures aren't too bad.

Their shine was tarnished a bit when I painted them. It didn't take much for the soft plastic figures to flex and the paint to flake off.

In the late seventies, I found lead mini's (Minifigs, Ral Partha, Custom Cast, etc). They painted up well (no flexing) and were durable. Over the years lead, then alloy (white metal/pewter) figures became the wargamming standard. With the advent of Citadel, Reaper & Wargames Foundry the sculpting became dynamic and dramatic. Still called "lead" by the players, these metal mini's have been the standard of the miniature wargamer for decades.

Last May, while I was attending Gamex in Los Angeles, I came across some plastic historicals. Perry Brothers and Warlord Games had come out with hard plastic American Civil War and Imperial Roman Legions respectively.

I bought a few boxes of the Romans and was impressed with the detail. Most people will tell you that you can get better detail with metal then you can with plastic. Frankly, I don't see it... plastic is easier to work with (conversions) and plastic resists bending better, allowing such things as rifles and spears to be cast with more realistic proportions. All that aside,the most impressive thing is the price. Foundry Romans are are almost $3 a figure. Warlord Games' plastic Romans are approx $1 each. I Currently have over 250 Foundry Roman legionaries & auxilia...do the math, its no contest.

If that weren't enough...Citadel (Games Workshop) has been releasing new plastic mini's for their new lines. I bought some of the new Dark Elf, Cold One Knights. Incredible miniatures, great detail and again low price - roughly $4 for each Cold One & rider; the metal version is going for almost $20. So I am sold on plastic. I hope more manufacturers and ranges spring up. The downside is that plastic is a petroleum product... and we all know what has been happening with the price of oil.

Wargames Factory is coming out with 28mm Caesarian Roman legionaries (my favorite). I can't wait to see them!

He's not my kid. He's not even my dog...

"He's not my kid. He's not even my dog. If I had a dog, and my dog had a kid, and that kid had a pet that would be Sid.”

Oh My God! I forgot about mini-sloths!
Ok...this is a long standing fantasy of mine...to cast up some mini-sloths and create a HOTT army.

To that end I have created an army list...

Mini-Sloths
Stronghold: volcano hideaway
Horde General (Sid the Megatherium (Sloth)) @ 1AP 1
God (Fire-King Idol) @ 4AP 1
Artillery (Big rock slingshot) @ 3AP 1
Flyer (mini-sloth in hang glider) @ 2AP 1
Shooters (mini-sloths with rocks & sticks) @ 2AP 2
Lurkers (mini-sloths with lassoes) @ 1AP 3
Hordes (mini-sloth warriors) @ 1AP 7

Alternatives
Hero @ 4AP (Diego the Smilodon), Cleric @ 3AP (Clea – Chief Sloth), Behemoths @ 4AP (Manny or Ellie the Woolly Mammoths), Sneaker s@ 3AP (Crash and Eddie Opossum Brothers), or treat mini-sloth warriors as a warband; Ellie as a sneaker

Sid: [tied up] “This is either really good or really bad. [Sid looks down to see lava pit underneath him] No, no, no. Me fire-king. Why kill fire-king? A thousand years bad juju for killing fire-king! “

Chief Sloth: “Superheated rock from the earth's core is surging into the crust, melting ice built up over thousands of years”.

Sid: “You are a very advanced race. Together we can look for a solution.”

Chief Sloth: “We have one. Sacrifice the fire-king. “

Sid: “That's not very advanced. “

Chief Sloth: “Worth a shot. “

Spinning Wheels

The wheel of life/fate is capricious at best and does not consult those it affects; and like justice is often blind…

Home is where you hang your hat... Someone famous said that

For over half of my life my home has been in Van Nuys California (the “Valley”). The Valley has much to recommend it and much to not. Like most things in life it is about compromises. As an example it gets hotter than the hinges on the door to hell in August; at the same time everything is air conditioned (note the “hinges” beat my a/c every time!).

Before I make it sound too bad, it was the only place I could afford a house in the LA area in 1985. The joys of house ownership have faded over the years. I originally cut the grass with an old hand powered reel mower. It really was a joy to be able to cut my own (read: the bank’s) grass. In a few years that gave way to a power mower; benign neglect and the current solution, gardeners.

I have a lot of memories in that house; some good; some bad; and some very, very private moments (and no I don’t mean anything bizarre and sexual! …mostly).

During my occupancy of my valley house I:

• Aged from mid twenties to late forties;
• Watched the 73 seconds of the STS-51-L Challenger mission (the only shuttle launch I have ever seen);
• Learned to play WRG 7^th, Warhammer Fantasy Battle and Warhammer 40K (the last two a few times;
• Went from being a board gamer to a miniatures gamer;
• Witnessed the riots of ’92 (Rodney King);
• Had my two children (ok, initially I had help with that one);
• Received my Bachelor’s degree;
• Survived the Northridge earthquake;
• Spent few days trying not to exsanguinate;
• Got divorced, married, and divorced;
• Let a good woman get away;
• Learned to fire a 10lb Parrott rifle (read “cannon” - I miss that!)
• Gave my father’s eulogy;
• Watched my son enter my old Junior High School and my daughter my old High School (yes I am aware it is called “Middle School” now. I also still say B.C. and A.D. so sue me)
  
  

During that time I was employed as:

• Assistant Director of Threat Assessment and Management for a public figure protection firm (my favorite job title of all time!);

• Operations Manager for an alarm company;
• Central Station Manager for the same alarm company (same company different owners)
• Partner (chief cook and bottle washer) in an alarm company (some company, me and Jim owned it);
• Student & Father
• Radio Field Tech
• Service Manager for a radio repair/sales store
• Operations Manager for a radio repair shop (it burned down, I had nothing to do with it)
• And computer geek for my current employer.

I grew from immaturity to maturity (yeah, yeah, laugh it up!);

I am going to miss a lot of things about living here, both current things and memories…

And so, the wheel turns…

Tim, they call him...

How to Confuse your Warhammer Fantasy Battle Opponent

101 Ways to confuse your Warhammer Fantasy Battle opponent

1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.

2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.

3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).

4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.

5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.

6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- “he’s gone there, so contigency plan 8a means that I should…”

7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.

8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.

9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent’s army.

10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.

11. Bring a plastic kid’s sword and ‘challenge’ your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.

12. Play dead if your general dies.

13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of lascannon in WHFB.

14. Complain that you don’t think you can trust your hero.

15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.

16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn’t kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.

17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the “fog of war”.

18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.

19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a “battle report.”

20. Sharpen your goblins’ spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.

21. Cackle diabolically. “The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!”

22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.

23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. “Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well.”

24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.

25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!

26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.

27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!

28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your
treeman. Refuse to let him move through woods.

29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy van.

30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.

31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. “Quick march, on the double- hut!”

32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.

33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the “Lord of the Galaxy”. Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.

34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.

35. Bring a Communist flag threaten them with collectivization, ‘Discipline’ your troops if they fail to salute you, send them to the gulag.

36. Cheer on your miniatures.

37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.

38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.

39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.

40. Keep a deck of M:tG cards handy. When you are told it is “the magic phase” bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.

41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!

42. Tell him you’ve brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.

43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don’t immediately come true. Ask him if he’s used it.

44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.

45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.

46. Don’t place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, “poof!”. When the smoke dissipates, say, “Tadaa!”

47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.

48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent’s army. Complain that it is cheesy.

49. Come with an army painted completely neon purple. Wear dark glasses.

50. Attempt to bribe your opponent’s characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

51. Ask if he has a license to drive that steam tank.

52. Make your opponent take a stupidity test. Refuse to let him do anything if he fails it.

53. Stare deep into his eyes. Use hypnosis to convince him he is a chicken. You may revert him back to normal at the end of the game.

54. Paint all your miniatures naked. Complain about their dirty habits.

55. At the start of the game, flash a fake FBI card. Demand to see his army list.

56. Bring a water pistol. Squirt him in the back every time he turns away. Claim it was raining.

57. Dress up in a suit. Bring a pointer and a big map. Give a weather report before the game. Predict sunny weather. Surreptiously pour a bucket of water on the table when he’s not looking. If he asks for an explanation, explain that “nobody’s perfect”.

58. Toss a bucket of water over his undead. Look worried when nothing especially unexpected happens
. Mutter about the declining standards of holy water. Try garlic. If that doesn’t work, throw on a wooden steak.

59. Bring a fire danger chart. Set it to “extreme”. Wear a “Smokey the bear” cap. Refuse to let him use fiery convocation. Pour a bucket of water on the board if he does.

60. Pour a bucket of water on the table. Look down on your miniatures and yell, “sink or swim, you lazy *&^%”.

61. Pour a bucket of the water. Claim it was necessary in terraforming the planet.

62. Bring a whiteboard and a texta. Give all your miniatures a briefing before the game. Get them all in a circle and yell out repeatedly “psyche! psyche! psyche!”.

63. Bring cheerleader models. Place on the side of the table. Bring a tape of chants- 5,6,7,8 who do we
appreciate?

64. Plunk a computer on the table. Explain that your mate “Deep Blue” is standing in for you.

65. Roll out a wooden Trojan horse, but nothing else. Wait expectantly.

66. Dedicate the game to your “beloved late last opponent.” Sharpen your teeth. Grin.

67. Ask your opponent for a building permit before he places any huts.

68. Wear a sponsorship shirt- “Ashur Inc”. If possible, be part of a team.

69. Apologize, but explain that your troops are on strike. Refuse to play unless he pays for their pay rise.

70. Explain that all your miniatures have a 1+ save, as they are made of “white metal”.

71. Charge him a parking ticket for his chariot.

72. Paint all your miniatures in football uniforms. Bring a little football. When you see all his miniatures with weapons, ask “Isn’t this the Campbell memorial football stadium?”.

73. Come into the room screaming “they’re alive! they’re alive!” with goblin spearmen rammed into your skin all along your arms.

74. Make him draw a pentagram, chant and sprinkle incense before you let him place his Greater Daemon.

75. Look at his goblins for a long time. Make allusions to the fact that they all look exactly the same. Warn about inbreeding and Mormonism.

76. Bring a little whistle. When he kills one of your miniatures, blow it and gesture your way. Explain that he was “off-side”.

77. When he fires a cannonball, ask him if he will let you make a 4+ “catch and throw back” roll.

78. Slap him with a public indecency suit when he places his witch elves on the board.

79. Offer him some “squig beer”. Make sure that it is green.

80. Speak in rhyming couplets. “Oh it shall be as thus/you save on a 4 plus”

81. If asked to guess a range, guess in nanometers. Measure it out on your specially designed tape.

82. When you activate the Black Gem of Gnar, start singing, “This is the challenge that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends…” Stop and look surprised when the effects wear off.

83. Bring an apprentice model for one of your characters. When he attacks, exclaim, “No, no, no, not like that! Repeat after me: I will not swing my sword in anything less than a 45 degree arc, I will not swing my sword…”

84. Ask where it says you can’t use your orbital phaser cannon. Repeat in turn for: gargant, selective volcano, life-sized cannon, mad attack kitten, doom-diver carrying a neutron bomb, rat-sac, etc.

85. Put a little conductor figure out the front of your deployment zone, complete with music stand and tails. Tap your range ruler on the edge of the board… “1,2,1,2,3,4″. Quickly switch on a tape of the Philadelphia harmonic choir as you gesture wildly with your range ruler. After four seconds, have the tape click and end. Drop the ruler and look embarrassed.

86. As soon as he kills one of your models, put on a police cap and switch on a police siren. Stroll up to your opponent. Fake a yorkshire accent. “Allo, allo, allo, what do we have here then?” Pick up his general. “He’s the brains of the operation, is he then?” Turn to the original model. Pick him up and read him his rights. Arrest his army for grievous bodily harm.

87. Ask his wardancers where they got the kinky gear. Wink seductively.

88. Hide under the table. Use -ventriloqui- -Ventriloquiy- throwing your voice to project your voice onto your general model.

89. Calculate the angles of elevation given the wind resistance, escape velocity and the aerodynamics of the projectile before firing his cannon.

90. Give the post-modernist influences on your painting style. Critique his.

91. Put little red curtains along your deployment zone boundaries. Begin, “May I present…” and pull them back dramatically. Reveal an empty stage. Look around nervously and repeat your line a little louder. Close the curtains again. Repeat.

92. Trip his giant.

93. Run an electric current through your fence.

94. Bring a 600 page bound book with big letters on the front “FAQ”. Lay it on the ground facing England and worship it. Prop up a little framed picture of Tuomas Pirinen next to it. Demand your opponent join you in a prayer small prayer session to Him.

95. Demand he right the gender and racial inequalities in his army.

96. Stand on the board. If he says anything, explain that your army has transcended this world and has risen to the spiritual plane. Explain that you are their physical medium and must fight on their behalf. Look down at his army and laugh.

97. Write a ballad about the battle.

98. When the game is in full swing, get a friend to bring over a UFO model. Have it hover over the board. Abduct his army. When it is all over, deny everything. Make sure your watch has ‘lost’ six minutes.

99. Bring a little coffee mug in the shape of the cauldron of blood.

100. Bring a real elastic band for your doom diver. Why stop at throwing miniatures?

101. Read the above out before the game.

Another Night to Remember...

RMS Lusitania met a disastrous end as a casualty of WWI when she was torpedoed by a German submarine on May 7, 1915. Many American passengers were on board and the great ship sank in just 18 minutes, eight miles (15 km) off of the coast of Ireland, killing 1,198 of the 1,959 people aboard.

That picture above is my friend Hugh. That object behind him is one of the propellers recovered from the Lusitania.

It gives me an interesting feeling to be able to touch history like that...

Tim, they call him

"And you shall have my tanks... Your welcome"

For some reason I have this desire to work on my 15mm tanks...And while I can't imagine where that inspiration comes from, I will give into it...

I have wanted to do my own "How to..." guide for a while...perhaps this is the time.

I have been working on my StuG site (www.stugiii.com) for the past few days...again...I seem to have this inspiration coming from somewhere...

Tim, they call him...